A Letter To Me, From Me

Suddenly I have the urge to read my old diary. I've stop written them since I was going to take SPM haha. I was wondering that I might write again someday. The diary was full with depressed, sad and intense thoughts. I remembered that when I was writing, my tears would flow. I might cry almost every night hurm.

I didnt know when I started became so bitter and depressed. Well, it was not to obvious because in school I still hang out with friends. Laugh and do pretty much all the things that a teenage girl would do. Maybe I was thinking too much when I'm alone. Maybe I always have been the bitter girl. After that one bad past, my life was upside down. 2010. It was my downfall. I've realized that since then, I cant love myself completely. Sometimes, I wonder what did I do that I deserve all of these?

I know, I shouldnt think like that.

After that I always want to be more than anyone that I hate. I want to show them that I can be better than them. To show them that I am no longer a stupid teenage girl. Alhamdulillah, I am really grateful that my prayers were granted in His own way. I may have not become a doctor as I wish for but I am glad for what I have now.

I am still waiting for another beautiful years of life. Right now, just seize the moment.

7/8/2011

My life is great right? I never been loved by a guy that I'm interested. The only thing I get is broken heart. Atiqah, be strong okay. I know its hard for you but you should move on. That stuff that you were worried are not important. You can find a better person. Insyaallah. You will never be alone. Allah had decided it. You wont get heart broken again. Forget all the ridiculous stuff for a moment, focus on your studies. That is the most important thing right now. You can think about this after you finish your last SPM paper. And trust me, these people are not important at all. If they truly love you, they wont be able to hurt you. Dont forget, your parent still love you. You still have your family and friends to support you. You dont need a guy right now in your life. Its better off to forget them like how they forget you. Be happy with yourself. They are the one that blind for not seeing the best of you. You are better than them, remember that YOU are BETTER than them! You can do better than them. Insyaallah. 

Love, Me

I hate it.

I dont like it when I feel so fragile

I can listen to sad songs all night long and I could be thinking all the negative and depressed thoughts. Why everythings can be seem so beautiful and suddenly, you would lost it?
It's seems like I have been dreaming all along. If its so, please dont wake me up.

I tried to be strong. I already can say "no". I'm building walls around my heart so that I can't be hurt anymore. Sometimes I just dont know how to react with people all around me.

I really love the idea that one day, someone would comfort me not to think of this world or other people. But maybe the journey is still long. I'll have to be patient bout it. I know its sounds ridiculous when I suddenly talk about it. Or is it getting lame because I always talk about it? Well, the reason I write is to express. And right now, I am expressing my emotions.

I always get the wrong idea of how people treated me. When there's a guy that have been too nice to me, I'll be head over heels and maybe thought that he would like me back. Poor Tiqah. And yeah, I was wayy too silly to be thinking that someone would actually like me. Come on, no one like a messed up girl like me.

I hate it. I hate when I feel so fragile.

Strangers

kau aku, strangers

normal bukan?

let me sleep

She closed her eyes. She was listening to Asleep by The Smiths. Her room was quiet and dark. She was in her own world. The song soothe her. At least at that moment, she felt calm. Suddenly, there's tears.

She was not in depressed. Her heart was just too broken to be fixed. She didnt want to trust anything to be fallen for someone again. She thought that world would be just fair but it didnt. 

She tried to be nice, she tried to be like the other normal girl who have friend but in the end she was isolated.

She just want to talk. she just want to let someone know what she's been thinking. Her thoughts were too dark. It was too much to bear on her own. Everybody thought that she was just trying to get attention for popularity. She suffers alone. Only by listening to music and cry alone in her bed can calms her.

After few hours of thinking, she was lost in her sleep. And this time, she wont wake up.

Asleep - The Smith

                                                      Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well...

Bye bye
Bye bye

Bye...

keep smiling :)

Alhamdulillah masih bernafas di muka bumi ni hehe.

Hai hai, assalamualaikum :)
Test 1 dah berakhir, result pun ok la bagi aku. Alhamdulillah. Pejam celik pejam celik, dah nak Test 2 pulak. haihh kejap benor. Study belum lagi ni, kena mula dah hahaha. Aku ok?

Aku ok ja, sentiasa mengaku okay.

Banyak dugaan yang kita terima sebagai seorang manusia dan hamba. Kita hanya mampu sabar dan berdoa. Walaupun langit tak secerah yang kita sangka, jangan risau. Walaupun lain yang disangka, lain yang dapat kita mesti bersyukur kan kan.

Kita masih punya tempat untuk mengadu. 24 jam tersedia untuk mendengar keluhan kau. dan yang pastinya Dia takkan jemu mendengar.

Kenapa perlu rasa sedih kalau tak punya kekasih? Kau lupa ada kekasih sejati abadi yang tak lupakan kau, yang masih kasihankan kau, yang masih bagi kau nafas untuk hidup di muka bumi ni. Kau rasa tersisih sebab tak punya kekeasih? Persetankan mereka. Kau rasa sunyi? DIA ada, al-quran ada, mak ayah kau ada, kawan-kawan kau ada. Kau rasa tak kuat? Tabahlah, setiap musibah itu ada ganjarannya. Kau takut tak ada orang suka kau? Kau lupa, pada umur kau hanya 4 bulan dalam kandungan.. jodoh, rezeki dan ajal kau dah ditentukan.

Kenapa perlu cemburu kelebihan orang lain? Kau lupa, kau pun ada keistimewaan. Kenapa perlu rasa sombong dengan manusia? Kau lupa, kau dia mereka semua hanya hamba kepada-Nya.

Dan aku sedar, aku tak sempurna. aku sedar, masih banyak lagi perlu aku tempuh. Masih banyak lagi yang aku perlu ubah. Kotoran dalam hati perlu segera bersih. Aku perlu pasti dengan jalan yang aku pilih. Be strong, tabahlah. La tahzan. :)

[thanks budak.hahaha]

Just leave.

Its seems like the absence of me is nothing to you. Its seems like I never exist. Its seems like I'm dead. Am I a ghost to you now? Am I not visible to you? Am I deserved of all these ignorance?

My heart would break apart, shattered into million pieces. But you wont hear it. You wont see the scars. You wont see the tears.

Everyday I'm hoping for the best. I'm hoping THAT ONE DAY would come. I'm just really tired of these. Why wont it stop? Why wont it stop shouting and screaming? Why do I have to bear the pain? I try to smile, I try to laugh but in the end, tears are flowing through my cheeks. My heart would be aching throughout the night. My mind would be upside down.

Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep and then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me up in the morning, cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know. Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel glad to go.

CRUSH

Define crush.

Crush : a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special

and of course there are another logic meaning of it, which is (verb) --> press or squeeze an object or a person with forces and violence that cause injury or damage. 

but for this post, i'm going to write about 'le Crush', whom you adore. 
I must admit, i had a few crush(es) back in the day in high school and now.haha. and of course i understand how it goes. it never really last. but for now im still having a crush on someone and i wonder how and when it will fade away. i dont want to hurt anyone or myself. doesnt mean that if i dont want to think about it, i hate you. no! i really do like you but we all have our own boundaries right?

i know sometimes we were too obsessed with our feelings and we will do some crazy stupid stuff. erm like confessing or stalking? hahaha. =..=

and even though you feel like floating in the air, playfully on the clouds but then BOOM! back to the reality. you will have some kind of new feeling called 'the heartbreak'. that experience will always haunt you and you'll never forget. but at the same time you still smiles when you saw him/her. 

in some cases, the crush can turn out to be your crush too! it will be so lucky if it happened. crush, then a lover. miow miow :3 hahaha. but some cases, it will eventually fade away and maybe remain as a friend or some one you might rely to. for me, it is undefined and let's hope for the best. 

almost everyone had these kind of feelings right? im just writing it based on my experience and from my observations. (hahaha) yeah, i am no good about this too. i always lose in the fight between my heart and myself. some people are cool with it, some just can't handle it. 

we are human, nothing is perfect. no one is perfect. so keep smiling. spread the love :3

♥

Feels like I'm lost

Assalamualaikum..hey guys :)

I didn't feel good lately. my mind was just wandering around. I lost my sleep. My head felt light. My feelings and emotion were not helping. I felt like there was something missing, something important. I tried to stay focus but I've failed. Test 2 will be for another 2 weeks and I am not ready! What should I do?

I felt so helpless. I wish I can do better :/
There's a lot of thing that kept bugging my mind. I just wish it got away. I don't feel normal huhu.
I felt so lost, like there's a hollow inside of me. I'm depressed? hmm..
I want someone to take me away, away from this emptiness.
Dear you, thanks for making me feel wanted. Thanks for everything. I just hope we don't have to be in separated ways anymore. I need you more..

Last week I went to KL Sentral to buy some tickets. We're heading home hahaha but not yet. This 17th August, I'll be home safe and sound :)
Can't wait to be home, to be with my parent, my family..you :3

Sometimes

Sometimes I'm emotional
Sometimes I can't control myself,
Sometimes I felt like cursing
Sometimes I can't accept the reality
Sometimes I blame others
Sometimes I blame myself.

Sometimes I hope everything will be fine, well it does
Sometimes I hope others to understand me
Sometimes I hope I could be stronger, better person
Sometimes I hope one day I will stop worrying ridiculous thing

I'm not perfect and I don't expect anything to be perfect. But I do mistakes. I don't need someone to promise me something to make me happy, when at the end that promise was just a lie. I just want to be happy and feel secured. So what if I don't have a boyfriend or someone special in my life? Why should I begging someone to be with me if that person doesn't even want me? Yeah of course I felt lonely sometimes, but it will went away eventually. It just need time. Is it wrong to wait for someone that worth it? The truth is I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to walk through into tough phase again. Maybe it is for my best. Everything happen for a reason right?  Even if the happy ending doesn't exist, at least I had a pretty good journey in this life. And I am thankful for everything I had in my life, my parent, my family, my friends and those who cares.

Yeah I do wrote this kind of mushy emotion post when I'm sad or thinking of someone. I'm sorry for being a nuisance, it's kinda one of my habits hahaha. You know what, I just realised that I never really write about myself properly. You know, like the biodata thingy. I just saw my best friend's blog, she's new but her blog is way properly arranged than I am hahahaha. By the way, tomorrow is my last day as a working girl. I'm pretty exhausted and I just want to relax and spent more time with my family until I went away to further my studies. That's it I guess, ciao :D

Another typical day

Goodmorning!

Today I bet there will be nothing going on hurmm..

Semalam pergi Tanjung Balau, Johor. Ombak kuat sangat tak boleh nak mandi pun..huhu. Nothing going much lately. I really miss my friends and my home. Hehe..

Sometimes I didn't know what to do in my life, or with other people all around me. I'm happy with my own life..and yeah I do need someone to share out my thoughts or my feelings. I dont want to live alone..who does?

Sometimes I have to adapt in new surrounding or try to communicate with other people. Sometimes I dont understand what people actually want. And sometimes I dont even understand myself. Sometimes I want that, sometimes I want this.

Sometimes I will be overwhelmed by my own emotions, I cannot control it. I hate the feeling that made me want to die or tired of living. It sucks. But I know I cant be all sad or be in sorrow every single day. I have to be strong and sometimes I have to careless. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and it maybe can do a lot of favour to anyone else.

I hate to get in a fight, I always do. I dont want to get all emotion up or get jealous for none reason. I have always try to satisfy other's feeling or try to not let them hurt but why I'm the only one who get hurt. People doesnt care??

Nothing is perfect, even life. But Im grateful for living. Im grateful for my family, for my friend and for other people that show me what is life and how worth it.

Entah

It hurts the most when the person that made you feel SPECIAL yesterday makes you feel so UNWANTED TODAY.

Tikam

Orang kalau cakap betul tak boleh ka? Kenapa nak juga tipu. Kenapa nak juga cakap putar-belit.

Memang aku tak faham, kenapa dunia memang macam ni.

Kalau kawan, ada yang tikam belakang

Kalau pasangan kekasih, masing-masing curang

Kalau dengan mak ayah, derhaka dengan diorang.

Susah sangat ka lidah tu nak sebut benda betul?

Hello berterus terang je la dekat orang tu, jangan simpan dalam sorang-sorang atau jangan duk berkomplot menjatuhkan orang lain. Memang sedih kalau kita percaya atau berharap kat orang tu tapi dia tikam balik. bitch

kadang-kadang aku fikir mungkin aku terlalu memikirkan benda yang mungkin tak pernah berlaku, tapi hati aku makin lama makin sakit. Mungkin tak ada sesiapa yang peduli, semua ada 'hal' masing-masing. Setiap hari aku pakai senyuman palsu yang paling manis sekali nak tutup hati ni yang semakin berdarah .

Wake me up.

I had a weird kind of dream, I really cant explain it because even I cant remember it. But the most thing I remembered there was a song, THAT song. It really made me sad because it has some particular meaning for me. And right now, it made me feel so helpless.

Right now, yes now.. I am blogging while listening some jiwang songs :(

It make me feel so miserable and lonely.

Sometimes I don't know what to do when I think about the past. It really kills me, huh. But I'm okay , I guess. I'm happy with my friends all around me. Even though sometimes I will be jealous of them, haha. Sapa tak jealous bila tengok orang ada bf/gf yang sweet2 dengan depa. Takpa, aku tengah belajar untuk kuat. :')

I wish SPM was a little bit easy. I wish I can score a good marks. I wish that you would regret for hurting me. I wish I was a better person.

All she said was nothing

Even if the time can be reversed, she wish for the same thing.

She had been gone through thick and thin when she was together with him. It was hell she taught. Yes, she did love him but her heart doesn't belong to him. She prayed that one day that he would just leave her. She felt guilty about him. The relationship was not truly sincere. She lied, he lied. They both lied to each other. No one was telling the truth and neither both of them know about their true feeling.

She was getting to love him more but the lies killed them slowly. For somehow, they getting apart. He left her suddenly in the middle of December. Her heart was shattered.

No one knows about her true feelings. She was crying all the time. She was devastated. She vows to forget him and hate him with all her heart.

After some good years, she had move on. For some how, she still cant forget him even though he lied all the time, including saying the word "I LOVE YOU". She didn't trust him anymore. She wish that he would just disappear in time. She wish she didn't even know him.

She is quite happy now with her own life. If she was asked about her past relationship, all she said was nothing.

Ignore me, im sleepy

Cuti ni nak pegi mana ek? Asyik duk rumah ja. Kalau keluar pun, sekitar Kulim ni je. =.='

Minggu depan dah busy sibuk dengan tusyen segala macam..hurrmm maklumlah nak SPM kan. Adoyai cepatnya!

Dah ready ke kakcik oi!

And bayangkan, lagi setahun je nak sekolah. Lepas tu sayonara~

Dah nak pergi Universiti hehe

Ermm, cena ek nak buat blog template yang lawa-lawa tu. Jeles ah (~_~)

Sekarang ni aku dah okeeyy ckit kut.huhu.. Seperti pepatah omputih ye

If you love someone, let it go

If the love is meant to be,

it will eventually returned..one day

[takpelah, aku dah kuat hee]

ok, sudah. tutup lampu, nak tido hehe

Going to KL

leaving tomorrow early in the morning.

Will be back this Saturday. My homework? I have to work it out somehow and steal some time to make a revision for this coming exam. I need some guidance to learn 'akaun' and add maths. My mind was quite 'blurred' this whole weekends, i don't know why.. huuuhh (-__-)

I'm a little bit okay now, after receiving his call. I ♥ u.. haha.

when you hurt someone feelings (on purposely), what exactly are you thinking? Did you ever think of the consequences or the wound that you caused? Aku paling tak suka orang yang tak pernah tengok diri sendiri kat cermin and then nak kutuk orang lain. Macam la kau tu bagus sangat. Dah la tak pernah kacau hidup kau pun. Benci gila! Takpa, ada la pembalasannya nanti. Aku tak payah buat apa-apa pun, tunggu je lah, memang kau akan dapat pun. huh.

I'm so bored.bored.bored.bored.

There will be a Biology camp this October, and i can't wait. And of course I'm going with Yana. It will be held in Penang, i guess. Dah pukul berapa ni? nak tidur lah, esok bangun sahur~

Goodnight!

Feeling like a Paper Gangster

i hate her so much that i want to kill her with my own two hand. yeah, im FIERCE! :p
Why can't you be more 'penyibuk', ha?? I'm labeling you : gediks..haha. She's not from my school, she's not from my neighbourhood, i really dont know her much but there is a feeling full of loathe and disgust inside me right now. Gosh, you dont know how much i hate you dear.

well, today is bro's birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY & SELAMAT HARI JADI
(sorry terpaksa selitkan wish ni dalam post yang agak 'MEMBARA')